


Everything I didn't say

by HijikataTrash



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, M/M, Manga Spoilers, idek, inspired by the recent chapters, protect Levi, sad!Levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:02:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HijikataTrash/pseuds/HijikataTrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world had taken everything from him already, what was another person to him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I didn't say

**Author's Note:**

> This is trash but I needed to write about this. Enjoy!

_"Are you sure you wanna do this?"_

_"Why wouldn't I is the real question here."_

_"Erwin, you are_ injured _, do I have to remind you that you have lost an arm?" Erwin sighed at his partner's remark. He had been trying to make him change his mind for the past few days, convince him that they didn't need him on the battlefield. But Levi knew it was a lost cause._

_"I am the commander, I just can't stay behind and throw my men to their deaths, you know that, Levi." He didn't look pleased at all, he had his angry and stern face on, which made him cute in Erwin's eyes. "What's the matter with you? It's not like you to be this concerned about a mission." He tugged at Levi's arm and sat him on his lap._

_"I'm just worried that you might not make it. You are old after all." He had tried to lighten the mood with the old joke he was used to say, but it just worsen everything. Erwin froze and Levi sighed at his terrible attempt at comforting. "Gosh, I'm sorry, I'm just-"_

_"It's okay. Levi, listen to me," He grabbed Levi's chin to obliged him to look in his eyes, so full of live even after all they've been through. Erwin's deep blue ones always marked something in Levi. The moment he had met them years ago, he knew he wasn't just anyone and now it was the closest thing to home he had. He couldn't bear watch those magnificent pupils die out. That's why he promised himself he'd do anything to keep them wide open to see everything he wants. Be it the basement or the ocean. Erwin continued, "Nothing is going to happen. We're gonna be just fine, like every other time. I promise. I love you, alright?"_

_Nonetheless to say, Levi was not used to being shown affection and was even worse at reciprocating it. He mumbled something similar to "I don't hate you." Because the words 'I love you' were too intimate for him. He never knew if it was appropriate to use._

-

Erwin had always been a terrible, awful liar. Levi could always see right through him every time he tried to dupe him. But this time, he had believed Erwin to the really bottom of his heart, he trusted him blindly and now he was regretting it. He never felt quite betrayed in the past, but now, oh now, he felt like someone had punched him in the guts, piercing through the skin and leaving their hand there just to make it even more painful. He felt like crying now that the only thing remaining of his commander was a near-death body, heavy, unsteady breathing and wounded to extends even Hanji couldn't make right.

The cadets of the Survey corps kept begging him to give the serum to the equally, if not worst, injured Armin. They used useless arguments to convince him.

"Captain Levi, have you ever heard about the ocean?" The brat he had punched not 5 minutes ago quietly asked him. Of course he knew about the ocean. The blue, wide, deep waters covering most of the planet, unvisited, salty and undrinkable. Going as far as the horizon, engulfing the sun as it is setting down to make place for the moon and the stars. The wavy reflect of the moon on the dark water, scenery so beautiful it could make a blind man cry. Of course he knew about the hot sand contrasting the cold water and the fish living deep down under. Of course he knew, because Erwin could talk about unseen places for hours on end.

But he didn't say that, he kept it to himself, conserving the good memories of Erwin telling tales of his favourite places.

-

His final choice was clearly a personal matter. He didn't choose Armin for the newbies, he didn't do it to lift a regret off his chest. He did -like everything he ever did- it for Erwin's sake. Because when he whispered "Thank you, Levi." he knew immediately. Erwin rather died than live knowing he was the cause of a youngster's death, he rather died right now, saving another's life than live. Erwin was complicated as a person, but Levi understood him. The complexity of his traits was not as deep as it would seem when you got to know him well. Levi knew everything about him, from the little things to the important ones.

-

When Hanji announced Erwin's death, Levi could only look at the ground with a sad face, admitting defeat. The world had taken everything from him already, what was another person to him? He just kept on losing, never did he gain anything in his early life nor would he ever.

He wanted to punch something, or perhaps kill someone. Be it one of the brats (excluding Armin) or running after Reiner's ass and murder him right then and there. But he didn't have the energy, the force to. Plus, they must be already so far and he wanted nothing more than to stay with his commander.

-

The battle was over, they could use up the last gas they had to gather survivors, but Levi had no intention of doing that.

They chose a meeting point to be at in exactly four hours, and while Levi waited for everyone to scatter around, he slid Erwin's death body on his back. He found a nice house, not too destroyed and entered by a broken window on the second floor. He landed in a messy room with lots of dust and wood laying around. He set Erwin on the ground in a, mostly, clean corner and got up to work.

After hours of scrubbing the walls and the floor, of cleaning up the sheets of the small bed, of getting rid of heavy pieces of wood and cutting himself on shattered glass, he finally finished the cleaning session. Even though he was known to like clean spots, this might have been the hardest work he had to do. Because it signified he had to depart from his beloved.

No, not yet.

He walked a good ten minutes outside after placing Erwin on the bed, looking for the most beautiful flowers around. He picked up ten of them and put them in a vase he found laying in debris. He then proceeded to set the vase on the table besides Erwin's place to rest.

He didn't want to leave, he didn't want to accept the fact that the person he adored the most was not anymore. He wanted to stay there by his side and perhaps die with him.

He realized after long minutes of staring at Erwin, that he never pronounced the words "I love you" to him. They had been together for years, but he never found the perfect occasion to utter the simple words. And when it hit him that the love of his life was gone, dead, without ever hearing him say it, some quick tears formed in his eyes. He hugged Erwin's body in search of life, comfort, anything to take back every moment they had.

He calmed down a second and stared at Erwin's features and whispered, "Erwin, I love you." After that -chest full of regrets- he left the house without looking back on his lover's body. If he did, he was sure to stay there forever.

If Erwin could see him right now, sad, angry, disappointed, he would laugh because he found it cute when Levi was showing emotions exteriorly. Levi didn't know how he, or anyone still alive, would make it through without Erwin. But then again, there wasn't any point anymore, so he didn't care.


End file.
